If you’re a fan of quirky comedy and unforgettable one-liners, New Girl probably has a special place in your heart. From the hilariously dramatic Schmidt to the awkwardly lovable Nick, every character has gifted us iconic quotes that are equal parts funny, relatable, and surprisingly deep. This guide brings you the best wnew girl quotes—sorted by character and theme—to help you laugh, reflect, and maybe even find the perfect Instagram caption. Whether you’re reminiscing classic episodes or looking for quotes to lift your mood, this collection has you covered.
best new girl quotes
🌟 I’m not convinced I know how to read
😂 I’m not a successful adult. I don’t eat vegetables and/or take care of myself
🛋️ Can we just take a moment to celebrate me?
🥴 You’ve just been Schmidt-faced
🙃 I’m gonna go in my room and stare at the wall
🎭 I feel like I wanna murder someone and also I want soft pretzels
👖 I don’t wear bell-bottoms. I am bell-bottoms
📦 I don’t have a checking account. I just use a credit card and hope for the best
👰 I’m not a bridezilla, I’m a bride-chilla
🍩 I want to eat garbage!
💃 I’m not a coach, I’m a dance machine
🧠 I don’t think your brain works
🚪 You gave me cookie, I got you cookie
🦸 I’m a modern-day Hercules
🤓 I’m not a teacher, I’m a cool teacher
schmidt new girl quotes
🧼 Can someone please get my towel? It’s Egyptian cotton, I can’t get dry with this plebeian trash
🔥 I’m like a sexual snowflake—each night with me is a unique experience
🍷 This bar is like a crime scene for my dignity
🖼️ Youths are animals. They are fierce, fearsome animals
🎨 I’m reinventing the wheel here
🍖 I’m not being overdramatic, I’m being accurately dramatic
🧴 You put my conditioner in your hair? My conditioner is for men!
🎩 I’m wearing a driving moccasin and no one even noticed
🕺 Let’s not pretend I haven’t been preparing for this my entire life
📊 You know how many spreadsheets I had to make to not seem needy?
💅 I’m like a monument of class and taste
🎀 This suit is tailor-made for my body—my body demands it
🛁 You think this hair just wakes up like this?
🍸 My bar mitzvah theme was sports and Judaism
🐧 That’s not a cardigan, that’s a lifestyle
funny new girl quotes
🤣 I feel like I ate crazy soup
🧃 Is this a juice box? I don’t care, I’m drinking it
💔 I can’t find my left shoe and I’m spiraling
💃 I wore a tutu to a funeral once
🪞 I looked at myself in the mirror and said, ‘You are doing fine’
🌯 My whole life is just a burrito of sadness
👂 I once got dumped for whispering too much
🐱 You ever just wanna hug a cat until it explodes?
🧊 My heart is a frozen bag of peas
🌈 I’m gonna go write a sad poem and not finish it
📅 You’re not allowed to talk to me on days ending in Y
🌜 I’m too emotionally fragile to be around moonlight right now
🥪 I had a sandwich once that made me believe in miracles
🧦 I’m not wearing matching socks, I’m living outside the box
🐢 My spirit animal is a turtle with anxiety
new girl quotes schmidt
💼 I can’t go out—I just got my eyebrows tinted
🎯 That’s not a plan, that’s a wish with a deadline
🍑 You don’t just touch a man’s frittata
🕶️ I am a warrior. I go to work with a briefcase
🧂 You salt my wounds then complain about the salt
🎉 Can we please not turn this brunch into an emotional quagmire
💄 This face takes 47 minutes to construct
🕰️ I scheduled this meltdown for tomorrow
🍛 This curry is ruining my shirt and my soul
📍 I’ve been Pinteresting like a madman
📓 I’ve been writing in my gratitude journal and nothing helps
🕸️ My emotions are like a spider web inside a hurricane
🥂 I want to toast but also cry
🎤 I’m not shouting, I’m just passionately articulating
🧥 Who wears linen on a weekday?
winston new girl quotes
🐱 Ferguson and I have a deeper bond than most humans
🤪 I’m just gonna get weird with it
🧃 I drink mango juice because it matches my soul
🎮 I’m not competitive, unless it’s a game
🎧 Silence is loud when you’re alone with your thoughts
🥸 I faked a British accent for two weeks at work
🛏️ My dreams are too intense to sleep
🧼 I’m not dirty, I’m uniquely scented
🐸 I once dated a girl who was obsessed with frogs
📸 I took 400 selfies today and kept 1
🐟 I’m the fish and the water, baby
📱 I texted myself just to feel loved
🎣 I go fishing for compliments and never throw them back
🧠 I have ideas, they just don’t come out in English
👁️ I saw the truth in a bottle of shampoo
funniest new girl quotes
🍕 I thought about eating a salad, then I remembered I’m not a rabbit
🦦 I did laundry and lost a sock, but gained enlightenment
🪵 You can’t just throw a log and expect it to be a relationship
🥒 I ate a pickle and now I believe in fate
🐒 I fell off a treadmill while standing still
🛏️ My bed is both my office and my panic room
🍰 I cried over cheesecake and I don’t regret it
🐽 I snorted while laughing and now I’m a pig
🚿 I showered with my socks on, on purpose
🧠 I had a thought, but it ran away screaming
🌪️ I’m like a hurricane of denial
🪙 I flipped a coin to make a life decision
💃 I danced alone in my kitchen and pulled a muscle
🎲 I gambled on love and lost my Wi-Fi
🍟 Fries are my love language
nick new girl quotes
📚 I’ve written a zombie novel, it’s a metaphor for love
🍺 I drink to remember I’m not in law school
📬 I don’t trust mailboxes, they’re too confident
🛋️ I live in a loft and emotionally under a bridge
🐘 I feel like an elephant stepped on my soul
🛏️ Sleep is my only real commitment
📖 I read half a book once and felt enlightened
🍷 I want to be drunk but also respected
🍔 I’m sad, so I ate a burger and now I’m still sad
🎒 I’m emotionally carrying a backpack full of bricks
🐢 I move slow emotionally, like a turtle on NyQuil
🍞 Bread is my coping mechanism
🖊️ I wrote you a poem and immediately regretted it
💼 I once almost got a job
🪫 I’m running on emotional low-battery mode
new girl quotes about love
💘 Love is like an awkward hug—it’s not perfect but it’s real
💌 I fell in love with her because she makes weird look beautiful
🎈 Sometimes love is just sitting in silence and not needing more
🌙 I want someone to look at me like I look at tacos
💑 We don’t need to make sense—we just need to make feelings
🌟 She’s the chaos my heart signed up for
🍦 Love is when you save your last bite for someone else
🧸 I gave her my hoodie and my heart
🥀 Love hurts, especially when you’re both stubborn
🎶 Our relationship is a musical with tragic timing
🕯️ I lit candles and my feelings by accident
📺 We fell in love over Netflix and emotional baggage
🍯 She’s my honey, even when life stings
📅 Every day with her feels like a Sunday morning
🌻 Love bloomed even though we forgot to water it
famous new girl quotes
📉 You gave me cookie, I got you cookie
💁 I’m not a successful adult
🕺 I’m like a sexual snowflake
🐱 Ferguson is more than just a cat
🎭 I’m gonna go in my room and stare at the wall
🥂 This is my nightmare
🍝 I want to eat garbage
📦 I don’t have a checking account
🛋️ I live in a loft and emotionally under a bridge
🎩 You don’t just touch a man’s frittata
🧴 My conditioner is for men
💔 My whole life is a burrito of sadness
📝 I wrote you a poem and immediately regretted it
🍪 You gave me cookie!
🪞 I looked at myself and said, ‘You are doing fine’
Conclusion
Whether you’re in it for the laughs, the love, or a trip down memory lane, New Girl offers something unforgettable in every line. These quotes remind us why the show remains a fan-favorite—equal parts absurd, hilarious, and heartwarming. Save them, share them, or use them as your next status—because sometimes, all you need is a little Schmidt-ism or Nick wisdom to brighten your day.
Meta Description (20 words):
Discover the funniest and most iconic New Girl quotes by character and theme—perfect for laughs, love, and life captions!
